At some point, we’ve all compared our youngsters to other people. "Look at him/her, why can't you be like him/her?" “I wish, you were as tall as your sister” “I cannot expect anything from you, your brother has been the fulfilling child for us, you are just hopeless” But is it such a bad thing to compare these growing adults? Would it be a good tool if you want to motivate your teenagers to do something?
As parents, we often hear that we should never punish, yell at, blame, or bribe our children. Do what you want or let them do what you expect. It is understandable to use this trick sometimes to get them to listen or to motivate them. However, what we're really doing is telling these teenagers that they’re not good enough.
How can comparing and failures affect your teenager?
1. It increases their anxiety. They might feel anxious often so much so that each time someone makes a comment about anyone in their close surrounding they might selfinflict.
2. It lowers their self-esteem.
3. It hampers their self-image and makes him/her feel like he/she is not enough and that anything he/she does will never be enough.
4. It downgrades their confidence.
5. It might increase their stress levels. Not known commonly but they do feel stressed about problems at their age and as parents adding to it will hamper their mental health.
6. It ruins the parent-child bonding. The young adult may never be able to share his/her insecurities with you because he/she feels judged.
7. He/she may engage in self-destructive behaviours such as self-harm, substance use or other disorders (eating, sleeping, mood) to repress the negative feelings brought forth by comparisons and failures.
8. He/she may fall into depression or trauma if the failure is big or has been upscaled to be seen as enormous.
9. Self doubt increases while self trust decreases
10. They start building their personality as per the expectations of people / parents hence individuality is at stake 11. Self comparison then eventually starts by the young adult What can you as a parent do to help your child?
Here are some tried and tested tips:
1. Essentially, tell yourself comparison is wrong. Believe it is.
2. Put yourself in a position where you are constantly compared by people around you to others. Understand how your child must be feeling hearing his/her parents compare him/her constantly.
3. Learn to appreciate your teenager’s qualities and strengths. Focus on what makes him/her unique. Remind them that they are one of a kind and beautiful in all ways.
4. Build mutual trust. He/she might start feeling he/she is a burden on you as a result of your constant comparisons or degrading comments about their failures. Avoid that and ensure the growing adult knows you acknowledge him/her.
5. Learn that your teenager will only understand how to face problems when you show them age-appropriate problems in your life and explain how you solved them. They will understand that everyone faces failures and hardships but we can always learn and find a way out.
I hope this helps, parents! Let’s make our children feel unique and strong.
Article by –
Riddhi Doshi Patel
Child Psychologist / Parenting Counsellor